Goals:

I really need to get a good gameplan in life, because I feel so anxious and eager and motivated to get a move on, but I'm just not sure what exactly it is I want.
I want a lot of things. I want to be an actor. I want to live in a theatre for the rest of my life. I want to be an artist and I don't even care what kind, just so long as I can find some way to create beauty in a meaningful way.
I feel so intrigued and facinated with the many facets of art. I'm drawn like a magnet to many of the forms of self-expression, communication, and aesthetics. I feel passionate beyond my ability to express myself...but, the only problem is, I don't know what to say. I don't have any burning statements to make. I don't feel driven to express any unique viewpoints. I just love beautiful things and I love the process of making them. I just have a hard time coming up with the reasons to make them and the ideas they should communicate. I need a voice and I need something to say with it. Also, I need the skills. While I do feel naturally gifted when it comes to the arts, I am by no means technically proficient in any of them. I need instruction and guidance, and I don't know where to get it.
I love learning. I devour information like candy in a famine. I love the buzz of intellectual challenge and stimulation. I revel in soaking up new facts and ideas. But, I have so far had a miserable career in school. I don't do well slogging away at tasks that I feel are irrelevent or attending classes that I feel waste my time. I have no desire to learn calculus...or Health 101. When ever I do succeed in school, it is because I take the task of instruction into my own hands. I typically learn and retain new information far better if I can absorb it at my own pace ( which is usually faster than what happens in class, but not always...) I have done well in classes that include good, brisk, stimulating discussions, or hands-on work. But tedious group assignments, busy work, and papers kill me in the end. I don't do well with writing papers at all. I've always been intimidated by the prospect of organizing my thoughts and ideas into clear and concise sentences. It isn't that I don't feel capable of the task, but rather that I become cripplingly perfectionist and self-doubting in the process. I really ought to adopt the motto "It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be." I would do much better in school if I could only get the assignments done without putting myself through a nervous breakdown.

I'd like to get a few goals/desires down, just so I can remember them:

a) A one year "degree" earned in the library. One year where I spend a good chunk of every day researching whatever floats my boat. Ray Bradbury says this is what helped him to become a great writer.

b) One year of consistent, daily artistic output. One piece every day in any medium I choose.
And I'd like to document it all. perhaps I could start a blog where I record what I did each day to accomplish the goal. I'd also like it in a portfolio.

c) During this study, I'd like to explore a wide range of artistic mediums. Among them:
-Photography
-Film
-Audio
-Conceptual
-Installation
-Performance
-Guerilla
-Mixed Medias
-Poetry
-Short Story
-Acting

d) I'd like to make money doing what I love.
There. I've finally said it. I think a part of me has always been afraid to say that. perhaps it's because part of me feels like it would be selfish to commit myself to pursuing a high-risk occupation that might not bring the greatest income to my future family. Maybe because I think there's something noble about doing something you hate for the people you love. Probably because my dad hates his job but does it anyway because he loves us. I think i'll have to convince myself that it's ok to do something you love AND still really love the people around you. Maybe that's because my mom has a hard time doing both. Or at least it always seems that way. She's either with us, or she's gone doing something she loves and the two don't seem compatible for her. I need to convince myself that I CAN do what I love and still be there for the people I love. I shouldn't have to sacrifice one for the other. Should I?

e) I'd really like to move away from Utah. I'd like to live in a culturally active city where I can fully explore a wide range of arts and benefit from this exposure.

f) I'd like to be a part of a community of artists, like Stanislavski's, Herbert Berghof's, or Gertrude Stein's, where I can benefit from peer feedback and support. I'd like to be part of a sudio, maybe even help start one--a studio that covers a wide variety of disiplines. A studio for young actors artists poets writers filmakers etc. A studio that could showcase the work of emerging artists and help them obtain the funding and exposure they need.

g) I'd like to accomplish some greater purpose with all of this art. I'd like to increase social awareness and help to alleviate some of the world's problems. I'd like to be a force for good in the world. An artist that holds up a mirror to the world, a mirror that reflects what is good and positive in the world and what potential there is. A lot of art is generated by powerful emotions, and oftentimes those emotions are negative. I think there is a place for that, but also there should be a place for the positive. Can we evoke the sense of wonder and joy that living can bring? Can we reveal truth and increase the light of understanding? Can we express what it means to be human, in all of it's highs and lows, brights and darks, and ultimately, it's triumph?

Should I feel ridiculous to have written all this? Am I totally unrealistic? I desperately wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid--was that ridiculous? And if so, is this any less absurd? It's certainly not any more practical. Matisse gives me hope. He didn't start painting until he was twenty-one. Peter Shaffer too, He spent his twenties toiling away in corporate america before he realized that what really wanted was to write plays. There's still time for me, I think.