I see right through you Mona

I think I'm done with romanticizing my life. Not because anything traumatic or difficult has happened to me--but because it feels more honest to. At least for now. Things can still be beautiful and exciting without being spun, composed, or put on a pedestal. I'm ok with that.
Today I went in for production photos for Twelfth Night. I realized that I'm really bad at posing. It's one thing to suspend disbelief and live in an alternate reality while acting on stage, and another thing entirely to try and project a contrived appearance in front of a camera.
"I'm sorry, I'm not so good at posing" I said right before we began the shoot.
"Oh that's fine, everyone has been making silly poses so you'll fit right in" replied the photographer.
I don't think she understood what I was saying.
"You're a little stiff" she said after awhile.
Part of the problem is these nervous tendencies I have. Some people bite their lips, or get sweaty palms, but my reaction to stress or nerves is a little different. I smile. I get this big, goofy grin on my face that won't go away. And if I try to make it go away, it just ends up looking ridiculous like I'm trying not to laugh. I have blown many an audition because I was so nervous that I couldn't quit smiling. I'll be attempting a somber or angry piece and the director just thinks I can't take anything seriously because I can't wipe that smirk off my face.
But it did serve me well as a missionary--everyone thought I was the most cheerful person they'd ever met, when in reality, talking to total strangers just made me really nervous. And so I smiled. And to be fair it did become true in the end--it's difficult to wear any sort of facial expression for any amount of time without it rubbing off on your psyche. I suppose if there's any nervous habit to have, this one is as good as any.
I had a girlfriend once who could see right through it. Whenever I'd get upset with her, I'd start smiling--because confrontation makes me nervous--and she'd know what I was really feeling.
In any case, my nervous smile did not serve me well during the photo shoot. I think in the end I got two expressions on film: the smile, and this sort of blank look that I can achieve if I clear my mind and steady my nerves. But I'm ok with that--I think that was honest.